On turning 35
Why does a number ending in a 5 or a 0 make it more important and therefore stressful? Who decided that nonsense? And why do I buy into it even though I know it's nonsense?
Anyway-- I'm turning 35 today. Turning 30 feels like a blink away. I know part of that is because of the pandemic. We all lost like 3 years of time to that. But we're hopefully emerging. Not because it's safe, because it's safer and because we're tired of being paused.
I'm writing this, not to have it read but to have it as a time capsule for myself. I wish I did this more in the past and with time speeding up as I've heard it does, I want to have some clear delineations. So much has changed and also nothing. Maybe that's life.
Turning 35 means I've officially gone from the "Venus Deathtrap" to the "Lady of the Blade" according to the very real and accurate "Names for Spinsters" I found. On one hand, not having a husband can suck. Being alone creates an air of "what's wrong with her" and otherness that is unpleasant and sometimes crushing. However, I'm also not being held back or tired down or drained by a mediocre to vile man. It's funny, when I was little, my father said no dating until I was 35. Did I subconsciously store that away? No. I tried. Men are just disappointing and I'm prickly.
I will say that in spite of being single, I am extremely well-loved. My work bought me expensive gift cards, cake, surprised me, and everyone was all around super great to me. My friends stepped up and came out to support me. I have something rare and that's a family I truly feel loved and supported by. As hard as not finding a guy to date can be, I like to remember that I have all this and this is harder than putting a "claimed" label on my forehead.
My career isn't where I want-- But I think I've learned, you always want more. I'm making good money. I'm appreciated. I get to do what I love in the meantime. Career, like meeting my husband, is something I can't completely control. I'm very good at saying "I want to try cryotherapy" or "I want to go white water rafting" and then making that shit happen. Because I can control it. It's hard to not be able to force career or people into being something. So I'm trying to enjoy what I have and keep pushing for more. I want to enjoy the journey. Whatever that means.
Anyway-- I'm turning 35 today. Turning 30 feels like a blink away. I know part of that is because of the pandemic. We all lost like 3 years of time to that. But we're hopefully emerging. Not because it's safe, because it's safer and because we're tired of being paused.
I'm writing this, not to have it read but to have it as a time capsule for myself. I wish I did this more in the past and with time speeding up as I've heard it does, I want to have some clear delineations. So much has changed and also nothing. Maybe that's life.
Turning 35 means I've officially gone from the "Venus Deathtrap" to the "Lady of the Blade" according to the very real and accurate "Names for Spinsters" I found. On one hand, not having a husband can suck. Being alone creates an air of "what's wrong with her" and otherness that is unpleasant and sometimes crushing. However, I'm also not being held back or tired down or drained by a mediocre to vile man. It's funny, when I was little, my father said no dating until I was 35. Did I subconsciously store that away? No. I tried. Men are just disappointing and I'm prickly.
I will say that in spite of being single, I am extremely well-loved. My work bought me expensive gift cards, cake, surprised me, and everyone was all around super great to me. My friends stepped up and came out to support me. I have something rare and that's a family I truly feel loved and supported by. As hard as not finding a guy to date can be, I like to remember that I have all this and this is harder than putting a "claimed" label on my forehead.
My career isn't where I want-- But I think I've learned, you always want more. I'm making good money. I'm appreciated. I get to do what I love in the meantime. Career, like meeting my husband, is something I can't completely control. I'm very good at saying "I want to try cryotherapy" or "I want to go white water rafting" and then making that shit happen. Because I can control it. It's hard to not be able to force career or people into being something. So I'm trying to enjoy what I have and keep pushing for more. I want to enjoy the journey. Whatever that means.