I was busy thinking about boys...

Let this serve as proof that I have no shame and very specific (but weirdly universal) experiences dating/ liking men/ boys. I had terrible taste in men. I know lots of women say this, but mine was shockingly bad. I was raised as a Christian and am still picking bits of patriarchal bull shit out of my hair. 

In Kindergarten, my first crush on was on this boy, Evan (not his real name), who would get put in time-out every day for doing something destructive or dangerous. He accosted other children, he broke the legs off his desk, he put a snake in the "friendship box". He was so cool. One day he didn’t get put in time-out... Mostly because the teacher couldn't prove he was the one who'd glued her desk drawer shut. I was so proud of him for not getting in trouble for one whole morning that I married him at recess. Thank God the officiant was also a Kindergartner or we'd still be married and I'm pretty sure he grew up to be a serial killer or a corporate lawyer. 

After Evan was removed from school for throwing a pair of safety scissors at the teacher, I moved from bad boys to quirky boys. This one boy, Jason (none of these names are real), liked to skin animals and sew their coats together to make blankets, rugs, hats, etc. This wasn't alarming because this was Colorado and lots of hunter’s children learn to use every part of the animal. My question was: How could I woo this artsy fellow with his super cool squirrel tail boots into liking me? I loved animals too much to ever be able to kill or skin one, so I did the only rational thing and skinned my Furby. I gave him the Furby pelt and I think his crazy might have been afraid of my crazy at this point because he sewed into a shawl of left-over pelts and gave it to me when he moved away. Why did all my crushes leave me?! The only real downside to my act of love was that I was left with a skinned, angry Furby, who'd occasionally turn on and look at me. Even after I took his batteries out. 

My first "real love" was in Middle School and we met at church. Cody was stylish and loud and the lead in all the plays and could dance and... you see where this is going. He was so gay. SO gay. I didn’t find out until it was beyond obvious. I always thought-- He has so many close guy friends and is too cool to have a girlfriend. But don't worry, I developed all these complexes thinking I repelled men because I couldn’t get him to notice me... so not a total waste of time. Therapy and learning it wasn't my fault has made it so that when I ran into this boy in New York, we were able to have a lovely brunch and cackle over past trauma.

In High School, I had lots of crushes and nonsense. There was one boy who I really wanted to date and maybe marry-- Again, I don't know what to tell you, I grew up Christian, so that's where my mind always went. He was short and had bushy eyebrows and was sort of mean to me. But I told my friend, Jenn (none of these names are accurate), that I liked him. So naturally she immediately started dating him. I spent the rest of my time in High School torturing myself about why he didn’t like me. Why I wasn't god enough when my friend was? Side note-- I saw him recently and was like “did he shrink?” My other friend, Gupta, said "he always looked like that." WOW. I had clearly built him up to be something else in my mind. I thought he was Aragorn and it turns out he was just a Hobbit. Also, maybe there was nothing wrong with me other than having a shitty female friend who dated guys I had crushes on? This girl also was my friend at church, but ignored me at school (she was popular and I was not). I did go to therapy about this too, but I don't think I'll ever have brunch with her. 

Next comes College and the actual embodiment of bad crush decisions in human form. Max walked into Acting I class, late, as all proper bad boys do. See how cyclical it all is. He sat down next to me and whispered “can I borrow a pencil?” As I handed it to him, I thought “here’s my heart”. He never did return the pencil-- In fact I think he lost it or used it to dig gunk out of a drain. I would have seen that I as bad sign, but I was so deeply in love with him I didn’t care. He also told me he was most attracted to girls when they were asleep. How skin-crawling is that? Of course, I'm an idiot so I used to go to sleep around him a lot. Why didn't narcolepsy work? He also had a girlfriend back home and told her I was a guy named Ray. I hated that nicname for years because it reminded me of being a dirty mistress. This boy could have his own chapter, but he always wanted to be someone's muse so I don't think I'll dwell on him. 

More to come-- Let's call this part one.

Coming in part two: the Brit, the billionaire, and the bastard.